Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I Can Tell You About My Vision

The competition continues to be fierce for the Most Obnoxious Cover Letter possible. Here is another contender:

Dear Search Committee,

I am pleased to inform you that I am hereby applying for the Faculty Position in the Department of Chemistry which I saw listed in the latest issue of Science.  My work is centered on the role of physiogenomic and synchochrotomic control of heritable patterning.  Mostly I do computer modeling but I also know a lot of Chemistry.  I am currently a PhD candidate at ReallyFamous School, and I plan to defend this Spring (although I haven’t told my advisor and my committee yet, so I’d appreciate your discretion on this point).  Recently I read that the NIH has started a new award called the “Pathway to Independence” award where you can skip your postdoc, so I decided that I’ll do that since I’m very talented and I don’t really need to do a postdoc.   I will apply for this award next month and expect that I will receive the Notice of Award by the time I begin my new position at your University. 

Furthermore, I’m glad to tell you that I will be in YourCity on the second weekend in February for my cousin’s wedding!  Therefore, I would be glad to extend my trip and stay in the city for an extra day or two so that we can meet and I can tell you about my vision for my Research Team and we can begin to negotiate.  I have planned my schedule so that I can stay in your city on Monday and Tuesday of that week to meet with you (please find the receipt for my plane tickets attached; I’d appreciate being reimbursed at your earliest convince).

I look forward to meeting you in person in February!

Best,
PhD Candidate

11 comments:

  1. This is my favorite! Or at least top 2 (also like the klepto one). Yes, I would like to have my trip to my cousin's wedding reimbursed - perfect! Please let this be my competition.

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  2. I agree, this one is my favorite, too. An impressive level of obnoxiousness.

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  3. This one has my vote, too.

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  4. UGH reading these cover letters has made me feel really anxious that my letters have come across as super arrogant and/or overreaching! I mean they aren't as bad as this, but some of the bits come across too close to home for my comfort. Eeek...

    But, I guess that every parody has to have a nugget of truth or it loses its comedic value. I just hope I seem excited and confident rather than arrogant and condescending! *worry*

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  5. Do people actually write letters like this? Is anyone really this clueless?

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  6. My favorite, too, for a good guffaw. But tell me: how close to this one do actual letters get?

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  7. Wow. Just, wow! Stand clear for when his head deflates.

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  8. Yeah! my vote goes to you. Good luck for all you do.




    Cv Template

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  9. Are these letters real? I find it hard to believe that universities would allow folks this clueless to enter their PhD programs.

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  10. I like getting the tickets reimbursed. You have my vote!

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  11. I actually did have an applicant (for a lab tech position) once e-mail me their application and inform me that (as luck would have it!) they would be in MyCity on X Dates and would stop by the lab for an interview during that time...um, yeah, no thanks.

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