Another entry in The Cover Letter contest.
Dear Search Committee Chair,
I know these letters are usually addressed to a person, but
the job market is so terrible these days that I hope you’ll excuse me for using
your title instead, since I have to write 93 letters this week.
As you no doubt have figured out already, I am an applicant
for your position in Molecular Biology.
I am well trained in (Biology
Chemistry) because of both my undergraduate and graduate training at
MIT, and I’ve had experience as a teaching assistant in (organic introductory
biology) as noted in my teaching statement, so I am completely prepared to
teach the course you mentioned in the position advertisement.
My research is on the reversal of aging in female fruit
flies by the polyphenolic compound, resveratrol, a component of red wine, and I
anticipate considerable student interest in working with me in this area. My PhD was with Famous Scientist, a
foremost researcher on molecular gerontology, and we have three papers
published and four in press resulting from my graduate work and two years of postdoctoral
fellowship. I have been funded by
Major Private Foundation, the US Wine Institute, and the National Institutes of
Health during my postdoctoral research period and I anticipate future funding
from all three agencies to support my research at ____
university.
In order to set up my laboratory properly, I will require a
startup fund of $600,000 for equipment, supplies, personnel, and travel, to be
spent over a four-year period, after which I expect my laboratory to be
self-sufficient. I need to have a
release from all teaching and committee work for the first year and a light
load of teaching and committee work for the entire pre-tenure period if I come
to your school. It is essential
for the development of my research in a highly competitive area that I not be
distracted by these other elements while I am setting up my research
endeavor. I am sure you understand
this situation well, since there is lots of research in your department of
(chemistry biology).
Please examine my CV, research plans, teaching statement,
and letters of recommendation carefully.
I look forward to visiting your department, in fact I may be in the area
and if so, will call to arrange a visit soon.
Sincerely,
An Outstanding Candidate
Did you say all your degrees are from MIT? Mine too! We probably stayed in the same dorm as undergrads. Congratulations, you're hired!
ReplyDeleteOk, it's pretty awful but with all the paranoia the job market can bring - is it really so bad to address the committee if no search chair is listed in the ad? I've been told to try and figure it out but in some cases can't and really hesitate to guess. Yup, this is pure job market paranoia but without the crazy part in the letter is it really so bad?
ReplyDeleteBased on search-committee tales I've heard from others, the sad thing is that the publication record and pedigree would probably be enough to get this candidate an interview in some departments, ridiculousness of the letter notwithstanding! [I particularly love the penultimate paragraph.]
ReplyDeleteIn order to set up my laboratory properly, I will require a startup fund of $600,000 for equipment, supplies, personnel, and travel, to be spent over a four-year period, after which I expect my laboratory to be self-sufficient.
ReplyDelete$600,000 is *way* too small a start-up in the biomedical sciences.
LOL! So they don't have any solo author papers or original research, and they think they can demand money? Sadly, people like this get nice jobs all the time, if Famous Scientist says they should have a job. And having been to a Wine-Funded research seminar in a fricking PHYSICS department, that wasn't very funny.
ReplyDelete"$600,000 is *way* too small a start-up in the biomedical sciences."
ReplyDeleteEh, fruit flies are practically free to maintain. Problem with most biomed labs is they eat it all up with animal husbandry costs...
LOL! So they don't have any solo author papers or original research, and they think they can demand money?
ReplyDeleteSadly this is the case for 90% of what passes for biology nowadays. Most dissertations are little more than the execution of Aim 2 of PI's 3rd RO1. And on the flip side, it's a rare prof that won't put his name on all of his grad student's papers, regardless of how little he had to do with it.
Sadly, I wasn't sure what was so funny about this one, except the expectation of being released from all obligations for the full pre-tenure period. As was profiled recently in Science, the roles of sirtuins in aging is a very hot area, even though it may sound amusing. As someone else mentioned, the start-up package is a bit modest (we expect 700K plus for someone with microscopy needs), and do provide release from responsibilities early on and just before the tenure package goes in. While there is too much name dropping but if the person really had seven quality pubs and was funded from three sources, they actually have the goods and aren't relying on name recognition alone. The implied arrogance was a bit over the top and the fill-in the blank part was amusing but I have seen worse....
ReplyDeleteMark P
Is this a real cover letter? someone has to be making this up.
ReplyDeleteIn my field noone even glances at the cover letter. I know because I realized after firing off an application to university A, that I included with it a cover letter for university B. A couple of months later I got an interview from A.
ReplyDeleteTo assuage the worries of Anonymous, our department has a committee and it looks weird to address just one of them as they all go through the packages. I've also asked colleagues at other schools and they don't even know who is on their own search committees. Addressing the committee will not hurt you.
ReplyDeleteYes, I prefer "members of the search committee" to naming someone. But of course it really doesn't matter. The only funny bit here is wanting to do zero teaching before tenure. In the social sciences I was doing well to get $15k and $20k as start-ups...
ReplyDeleteSix of the cover letters received in our engineering department thus far were addressed "Dear Sirs" As I am not a 'sir' all of these were promptly sent to the circular bin.
ReplyDeleteAnd I concur, it would be almost impossible for a candidate to learn the name of the search committee chair.
Thanks to the kind responders who let me know it's ok if I can't find the search chair name. Am I being ridiculous to worry over these things? Absolutely! Am I likely to stop being ridiculous while I am on the market - not likely :).
ReplyDeleteNot that it excuses sexist, obnoxious letters but I do wonder if I (and probably other candidates) come across as slightly unhinged in letters, interviews, etc. just because the process is so high-stakes and sometimes baffling. I guess I'm just hoping that the seriously nutty jerks get culled but that committees extend a little sympathy for the temporary insanity of the candidate. The person who can declare with real conviction "No really, I love to get up at 3am my time for a 12 hour day in which I eat nothing but granola bars because I never get to really eat at the lovely restaurants you take me". Because in a way it's true - I love having been invited to an interview, it's a huge honor but if I look slightly wild-eyed by the end of the day, have pity :)
"... and a light load of teaching and committee work for the entire pre-tenure period if I come to your school."
ReplyDeleteAnd somebody to peel my grapes, and somebody to give me foot rubs.
LOL! So they don't have any solo author papers or original research, and they think they can demand money?
ReplyDeleteUm... in many fields, solo papers are rather rare, for the good reason that interesting results usually require the work of a lot of people.