Here are two more beautiful examples of the genre, each crazy-making in their own special way.
(By the way, I am not sure if those submitting these want their names attached to their entries; without specific information I am erring on leaving names off but am happy to include names if so instructed -- and I can add names to entries already posted.)
Thank you so, so much for your application to our Department. We were overwhelmed with the enthusiasm with which the scientific community rallied around our job posting, and to date with have received 1,217 applications (and counting!!!) from kindhearted individuals across the country. I'm sure you will agree that this is a very special achievement, which we could never have managed without your contribution.
As I am sure you will appreciate, it was very difficult for us - after we had read through the documents of all the incredibly talented hotshot Ivy League academics (each with their own truly inspiring pedigrees and publication record) - to narrow the selection down to just one eventual winner. We wanted to award all of you a tenure-track position in our department! But in the end we had to make just one choice, and I am sorry to say that your application didn't quite make the cut.
But you were really close, though!
Thank you once again for applying to our Department - it was really sweet of you to consider us. Keep your eyes peeled for details about our next academic opening!
Warm regards and gratitude,
Department Search Committee
Thank you very much for your application for a position in our department. Due to the large number of applications we receive, if you are not on the short list for the position then this will be the last you'll hear from us. On the other hand, we request that you take the time to let us know if you accept a position elsewhere.
Search Committee Secretary
Top-10 Science Department