Fake CV #6

This (partial?) CV contains at least two possibly-puzzling elements one may encounter in publication lists. Depending on the (sub)field, these elements may be complete non-issues (may even be the norm) or may be Red Flags.


Robert "Bob" R. Smith

Science Department
Science University
Scienceville, SC
USA

Employment History

Postdoctoral Research Associate, 2010-present, Science Department/University

Education History

PhD, 2010, Science, Department of Science, University of Science and Engineering
B.S., 2005, Science, Department of Science, Other University of Science and Engineering

Publications

A.X. White, T.R. Green, B.C. Black, K.E. Pink, R.R. Smith, N.I. Brown, V.C. Beige, and P.R. Taupe. The discovery of scientific evidence for some science things. J. Sci. Thi., v. 349, p. 12,345-12,399, 2012.

B.C. Black, A.X. White, T.R. Green, P.R. Taupe, K.E. Pink, R.R. Smith, N.I. Brown, and V.C. Beige. Scientific evidence for an engineered solution to some science questions in nature and experiment. Proc. Nat. Sci. and Eng. Stu., v. 1, p. 18-21, 2012.

R.W. Rabbit, H.F. Lizard, E.U. Dachshund, N.V. Worm, R.R. Smith, C.F. Sheepgoat, D.T. Rooster, and W.G. Dolphin. On the science of engineering, I. Theory. Trans. Theory Eng. Nat. Sci. Lett., v. 23, p. 556-572, 2011.

J.-P. Oak, D.D. Maple, C.V. Aspen, R.R. Smith, E.J. Birch, L.F. Pine, and E.S. Larch. Investigation of scientific results on a scientific experiment: implications for science. J. Exp. Sci. Res., v. 59, p. 47-95, 2011.

M.W. Cupcake, C.B. Brulee, W.D. Cheesecake, R.R. Smith, and V.B. Crumble. Evidence for scientific science in a vaccuum. J. Und. Sci. Res. Res., v. 16, p. 201-222, 2005.

Fake CV #5

OK, this one may be a bit off-putting at first, but if you read beyond the name, there are some informative aspects of it. The author of the fake CV explains:

The CV below is composed almost entirely from the pieces of dozens of real CVs of graduate students who have applied to work in my research group. (Some of these statements, such as the cheap Jew comment, were not actually on a CV, but were said to me by a candidate during the interview and I wrote it in my notes on his CV, so I think it counts too.)

ADOLF HITLER JONES
   
Email:  sexxyhotcrossdresser85@compuserve.net
Personal Website: http://www.adolfjones.xxx   

KEY STRENGTHS
•    Critical thinking and sensitivity to numbers
•    Excellent ritten and oral communication skills
•    I can do anything I set my mind to if I know how to do it!

TECHNICAL SKILLS
•    Operating systems: DOS, Windows 3.x\95\98\ME\XP\Vista\7
•    Productivity: Microsoft Word, Excel, Outlook, Power Point, Visio, Access and Corel Word Perfect
•    Software: IE3D, MATLAB, LABVIEW, PSPICE, LATEX, WIRESHARK, VERILOG, HFSS, IE3D, ADS, CST, AUTOCAD
•    Technologies: BGP, DHCP, HTTP, FTP, TELNET, TCP, UDP, IPV4, IPV6, CISCO IOS, OSPF, STP, VLAN, VTP, NAT, EIGRP, 3G, UMTS, CDMA, WCDMA, GPRS, GSM, WiMAX, VoIP, LTE, 802.11 WLAN, WAN, OFDM

EDUCATION
•    2006 – 2010 – B.Sc. in Computer Engineering, Small Liberal Arts College, GPA 2.6/4.0. However I got serious as a senior and my GPA in my final year was a 3.2

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
•    September 2012 – Independent Research on the employment situation of engineering students
•    June 2010 to August 2011 – I worked as a web developer for The Local Art Gallery, however I was let go because my employer did not want to pay my salary anymore (he was Jewish and you know how cheap they are….)

AWARDS AND HONORS
•    Second prize Badminton tournament at college sports fest
•    Won the “Best Out Going Student” of the year award
•    “Star Volunteer” of the 2010 Local Small Town World Expo
•    “The University Scholarship” – I got this prize because I was in the top 30% of the 16 students in the computer science major in my university

OTHER ACTIVITIES
•    Successfully completed a workshop in ‘ROBOTICS’
•    Currently writing a novel about teenage vampires
•    Coordination engineer of “ABHHIYANTHRIKI ‘08”
•    Negotiated with school cafeteria manager to make them depress the unreasonable food price

Fake CV #4

This is a very interesting fake CV, in part because of the reasons why it was created. Says the author:

I decided to .. make the CV of the mythical wunderkind I imagine is the dream candidate in the applicant pool of whatever it is for which I'm humbly supplicating. It's basically an impossible exaggeration of actual people I know that I think of when I am applying for something.

Interesting!

Also of note is the series of comments at the bottom, annotations from a fake search-committee:

Dr. Magical Robot Unicorn

Dept of Science

University of Fame and Awesomeness

1234 Mt. Olympus, State, USA

Education

2011-present: University of Fame and Awesome, Postdoctoral Fellowship of Awesomeness

2008-2011: Possibly Even More Amazing University, PhD

2006-2008: Insanely Eminent University, B.Sc., Summa Cum Laude 

References

* Prof. Progenitor oftheField 

* Prof. Future Nobelaureate  

* Dr. Director oftheNIH

Grants and awards

* MacArthur Fellow

* Giant NIH Grant, co-PI 

* Best Speaker Ever, TED 

* Most Beloved Teacher, Possibly Even More Amazing University

* Top Dissertation, awarded by Important Professional Science Organization 

* Best Undergraduate Honors Thesis, Insanely Eminent University 

* Gordon E Moore Award, Intel International Science and Engineering Fair

Selected Publications

* Unicorn, M.F. (in press). Pulling off the paradigm-shifting experiment everyone thought was impossible. Nature.

* Unicorn, M.F., OtherPerson, Other Person, & Nobelaureate, F. (2012). Inventing the breakthrough technique that will drive science for the next 100 years. Science. 

* Unicorn, M.F., & oftheField, P. (2011). An elegant unified theory of everything. PNAS. 

* Unicorn, M.F. (2010). An article that finally makes an important body of scientific work accessible to anyone. Scientific American.  

Annotations made by Search Committee Chair: 

 

* Education: note the impeccable pedigree and insanely efficient graduation dates which clearly mark Dr. Unicorn as a wunderkind

 

* References: the holy trinity of letter of reference writers -- (1) the living legend who founded the subfield we have been dying to hire in, did I mention Dr. Unicorn was his very last advisee? (2) the current hot stuff so you know Dr. Unicorn is part of the bleeding edge, and insists Unicorn was really the one responsible for the work everyone knows will be nominated for the Nobel one day, (3) person of important position who happens to be a close personal friend -- did you know Dr. Unicorn has also been raising her 2 beautiful children without a nanny and with no discernible impact to her professional productivity and famously charming collegiality?  

 

* Publications: demonstrates uncanny chops in all domains -- popular science writing, theory, engineering, and experimentation

 

* The awards, letter and writing samples let you know this person will kick ass in interviews and be a great colleague 

 

* Result: let's get real people -- do we even need to look at any other applicants?

Fake CV#3

This one is from EuropeanFemaleScienceProfessor. Apparently most of it is based on a real CV, with the exception of the duck thing.

Note that it is not too late to send your own submission, especially if you have been inspired by the ones posted already.

Dr. Buster Bristhlewaite                                                    (Picture of Dr. Bristhlewaite
Merrygo Lane 13                                                                   in a swimsuit holding his son
Podunk, New York, 12345                                                   and a plastic beach ball)
Fon: (202) 123-4567
Fax: (202) 123-4578
Fan: DrBuster@anythinggoes.com

I am 6^2 years old, happily married and have a wonderful 4-year-old son. I am very good at teaching people how to pass standardized tests.

Current positions:

• ·      Adjunct professor, Mathematics, Programming, and Duck Husbandry at Massive Online University, since 2008
• ·      Tutor, Mathematics, PassThatSAT, since 2007
• ·      Tutor, Mathematics, MyMathBuddy, since 2007
• ·      Duck farmer, since my Daddy died in 1998. I was born and raised on the farm.
•  

Previous positions:

• ·      Feed salesman, 1996-1997
• ·      Insurance salesman, 1998
• ·      Taxi Driver, 1998-2008
• ·      Substitute Math Teacher, Trumansburg Elementary School,1992-1994
•  

Education:

• ·      Trumansburg Elementary School  1980-1986
• ·      Charles O. Dickerson High School, Class of ‘92
• ·      Ithaca Community College 1992-1994
• ·      Cornell 1994-1996, Bachelor’s Degree in Mathematics
• ·      Columbus University, 1996-1997, Master’s Degree in Information Systems
• ·      Tri-Valley University, 2002, Doctorate in Applied Mathematics
•  

Hobbies:

I enjoy swimming, watching football on TV, and spending time with my family and my ducks.

Enclosures:

• ·      High school diploma
• ·      Bachelor’s and Master’s degree certificate
• ·      Copies of the business cards I printed up after I obtained my doctorate
• ·      Examples of the SAT training materials that I developed
• ·      Taxi Driver’s license
• ·      Evaluations from Massive Online University
• ·      Testimonials from students who passed the SAT with flying colors

Fake CV#2

Here's another one. If the author wants to claim authorship in a comment, they are of course welcome to do so. I should have mentioned that yesterday. Some people indicated this information with their submission, and some didn't.

This one clearly has a few Issues, and I don't mean the unconventional education history. Can you spot them?

Prof. A. Lex, Lutheran University

Education:

2001: PhD in physics, Phoenix State University

Thesis advisor: S. A. Ruman

Thesis title: Computation of the band structure of a 3-ring conjugated gold compound

1994: MA in physics, Phoenix State University

1989: BA in physics, UC Surf Board (minor in recreation studies)

1984: Associates of Arts Degree, Recreation Studies, Miami Beach Community College

Academic employment history:

2010-Present: Associate Professor of Physics, Lutheran University

2004-2010: Assistant Professor of Physics, Lutheran University

2001-2014: Postdoc, Asgard University (Mentor: Prof. Lo Quy)

1998-2001: Adjunct Lecturer (part-time), Arkham College

Publications:

1) Theoretical publications: Over 100 articles posted on vixra

Selected publications from peer-reviewed journals:

A. Lex et. al., Antarctic Journal of Theoretical Physics, "Density functional calculation of acoustic phonon dispersion in kryptonite", v. 13, pg. 666-669 (2009)

2) Experimental publications:

A. Lex, S. A. Ruman, Journal of Astrological Optics, "Laboratory detection of a 1.0 solar mass star in vicinity of earth", v. 48, p. 1516-1523 (2001)

*Paper retracted when an error was discovered in the filters used to block stray light from the windows.

3) Additional Publications (not peer-reviewed):

A. Lex, "Unclogging the PhD pipeline: Lessons from one mentor's experience", Annals of Improbable Research, v. 42, p. 13 (2011)

Teaching award:

- Most-improved Teaching Assistant, Phoenix State University (1996)

Mentoring accomplishments:

-Of 9 grad students supervised, all 9 have left with a Master's

Committee service (selected):

2010: University Committee on Faculty Conduct

-In collaboration with a faculty member from the law school, I helped the committee parse the difference between "proof beyond a reasonable doubt" and "preponderance of evidence."

2008: Department Budget Committee

-As a result of my efforts, the university has initiated twice-annual audits of the Department's finances

2005: FEMA Science Advisory Committee (member)

Fake CV #1

Here is the first example submitted for the Fake CV Attempt-At-Academic-Humor thing. I typically try to come up with names for the title (something more interesting than "Fake CV #1), but I thought maybe you -- the readers -- would have some illustrative suggestions for this. For each CV, consider leaving a comment that captures the essence of that CV.

Note that I do not necessarily agree with the philosophy and attempt-at-humor in each CV that I will post, but I do appreciate the efforts of those who have submitted fake CVs. Some of the CVs are a bit surprising considering that the senders note that many/most elements of the CVs have been observed in real CVs. Food for thought. 

Has anyone seen anything like this submitted for an academic position before?

SEWARD "Bo" GRITT III

Dept of Science
University of Here
43 Campus Road
Campustown STATE USA
e-mail: sewbogritt3@uofhere.edu

Education

PhD 2010 Science
University of There
Dissertation title: "Further analysis of some things my advisor analyzed 10 years ago"
Advisor: Associate Professor JJ Tasker

BS 2005 Science
Summa cum laude
The College

Academic Employment 

Postdoctoral Research Associate, 2010-present
University of Here

Fall quarter, 2007, Teaching Assistant "Introduction to Scientific Concepts"

Recent Academic Honors and Awards

Zippy D. DooDah Award for "Best Dissertation Title", 2010, University of There

Science Geek of the Year Award, Dept of Science, The College, 2003-04 (declined)

Dean's List (4x)

Publications

Gritt, S., et al., Analytical results from materials analyzed, to be submitted to a high-impact journal (in prep.)

Gritt, S., et al., Chapter 4 of my dissertation, to be submitted to a high-impact journal (in prep.)

Gritt, S., et al., Further analysis of analyzed materials. Nature (submitted)

Tasker, J.J., Gritt, S., et al., Additional analysis of materials previously analyzed. Science (submitted)

Gritt, S., Material analysis of materials analyzed. Journal of Specialized Material Analysis of Materials, v. 1 (3), p. 57-59.

Invited talks (pending)

The Annual End-of-Year Academic Writing Contest: 2012

For me, this winter break would not be festive without an End-of-Year Attempt-At-Humor Academic Writing Contest Of Some Sort. Oh sure, I can get in the holiday mood by walking into any store, cafe, or gas station and being subjected to a bewildering variety of renditions of the most appalling Christmas songs possible, I can (try to) put reindeer antlers on my most docile cat, and I can even decorate cookies in vile colors (Fig. 1),

but it just wouldn't be the same without an End-of-Year Attempt-At-Humor Academic Writing Contest of Some Sort.

To recap the last 4 contests:

• 2008: The Statement of Purpose;
• 2009: Letters of Reference;
• 2010: Why I Missed the Final Exam; and
• 2011: The Cover Letter for academic positions.

What now? Announcing: the CV (curriculum vitae/resume).

I know what you are (possibly) thinking: the CV? That is not writing.

And so I reply, if you are (possibly) thinking that: au contraire. I have learned in the past few months that even the smallest, shortest, fragmentary attempt to convey information in a visual way is "writing". I learned this in some "meetings".

But that's not why I have selected the CV as this year's writing theme. I selected the CV because I have been continually amazed over the years by the fact that it is possible to go so far astray with what is seemingly a simple document in which some biographical and other facts are arranged to describe a person's qualifications for a position. Even more amazing to me is the realization that it is possible for someone to create (what seems to me to be) an obnoxious CV; not in the nature of the facts but in how they are presented.

Readers who wish to participate: Your challenge is to create an entirely fictitious or at least heavily disguised CV that fulfills one or more of the following outcomes,

• entertainment;
• horror;
• mentoring;
• all of the above.

whilst not veering (too far) from the norms of the academic CV. In addition, it would be great if the fabricated CV is not too long.

I hasten to emphasize that submitted CVs should not humiliate any actual persons other than yourself. The purpose of this contest is to have fun, relieve end-of-term stress, and perhaps make a dramatic and useful point or three about potential CV pitfalls.

As always, parody -- subtle or savage -- is encouraged, although I realize (from e-mails I have received over the years) that these writing contests may generate some anxiety in those who are in the process of creating the very document that is being featured. I have therefore added "mentoring" as a possible outcome, even if the mentoring is done in an ungentle way.

Entries can be sent to femalescienceprofessor@gmail.com (do not send attachments) and will be reviewed by the FSP Editorial Board. I will be traveling in an unusual place throughout most of late December - early January, but I will post selected entries as internet access permits.

Entries will be accepted until the position is filled. Review of entries will begin on or soon after I start receiving them in the next week or two. Eventually there may be a vote on the Most Entertaining, Most Horrifying, and/or Most Useful Fake CV.

The Human Games

Question from a reader:

What would cause you to treat grad students like they were people?*

What a great question! The answer is probably obvious, but I will explain it anyway. 

Of course, the first thing I do is throw students in a pond. It doesn't have to be a large pond, but it should be quite cold and there should be some unspecified monsters in it. Then I just stand back and see what happens!

Here's the interesting part: 

If a student sinks, it means they are human and I can treat them accordingly, in most cases by firing them without explanation or notice because who wants to work with a human? 

If they swim, either because they already know how or because they somehow figure it out by themselves, then it means they are not human and will likely do a successful PhD and will become a professor just like me and can continue these fun games with their own students.

But you already knew that and hence your perceptive question. I hope, however, that it is at least somewhat helpful to see it typed out here in a cold rigid font. 

* Note: Although this is a direct quote from an e-mail sent to me by a reader, there was also other text in the e-mail that was worded in a more polite way, and I don't think the question was intended to sound quite as rude as it appears. So, my response it not entirely fair in terms of addressing the individual who sent the question, but I get this and similar questions from time to time, and thought I would give a general reply.

Academic Texts

Puffer fish from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetraodontidae
Clinton image from http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/

ColleaguePoetry

Some people tend to send epic emails (I am guilty of this), and some people send characteristic emails that might as well be text messages, even if they type the message using a full-sized keyboard. At the moment, I am most entertained by the terse text-emails.

I have seen some of these emails recently, both from people who only send this type of email. These messages read almost like a strange form of poetry, although they don't seem to follow any obvious rules about number of lines or syllables.

I can't include the exact emails of course, but I can create my own versions that try to capture their essence. I hope that some readers will consider this a creative writing challenge and provide their own versions of terse academic-emails one might receive from colleagues (or students!).

I call this first email-poem: "I want to send you random out-of-context information about myself"

Check out this link.
It mentions me.
This topic is important.

And this one, which is a bit longer, is entitled: "I want you do something for me (guess what it is)"

We need to write another proposal.
It should be mostly [method].
We need to do this soon.
Someone else will do it if we don't.
We are the best ones to do it.
This is urgent.
The program director hates me.


Isn't that beautiful, in a way?

I Really Really Want To Work For You Now

One more Cover Letter entry (I think), and then the voting will commence, tomorrowish. Apparently this is a slightly modified version of a real letter.

Female,

 

I do not understand why you did not reply to my email yesterday.

 

You interviewed me last spring for a postdoc position.  Before you could offer me a position I told you that I did not want to work for you because I wanted to work with BigNameProf  instead and he had offered me an interview too.  It turns out that BigNameProf did not hire me.  I do not understand this either.

 

Anyway, I really, really want to work for you now. I promise to be an amazing postdoc.  I attached my CV in case you do not remember how amazing I am.

 

Sincerely,

I do good research but have no idea how to communicate grad student

Your Research is Systematic and Penetrating

The strange thing is, I think I got this same e-mail, or one very much like it, and I think I am in a different field from Mark P, the person who submitted this to the Cover Letter contest as a slightly modified version of an actual e-mail.

Dear Mark P,

You must be enjoying your Merry Christmas at the moment. My best wishes to you and your family, and Happy New Year!

I am an international student applying for Ph. D program in your department, and I am very interested in your area of study， [fill in two sentences from my website, with the grammar connecting them in error]. Besides I have read your paper entitled [Title of a recent paper from our lab], the research is systemic and penetrating. You can't imagine how I crave for being a member of your group and do further research under your guide. Could I be one of your potential students next year? Archimedes once said, “Give me a place to stand and with a lever I will move the whole world.” But I say that given the opportunity, I will perform miracles.

The following is my resume which may be helpful for your consideration.I would be grateful if early reply is given.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Mr. cut and paste

Sent from my iPhone

My favorite part of this Cover Letter entry is the very last line, below the signature, but there are other gems in here.

Dear Ms. Female S. Professor,

Sorry my cover letter is arriving so late.  I would have gotten it in earlier, but you know, I just couldn't get to it because my schedule was really booked the last two weeks.  I've been working on my work/life balance lately and my therapist encouraged me to prioritize work less, which I decided meant focusing my energy for all of December on decorating my apartment for a raging holiday party.

I'd really like to do a postdoc at your university, and you seem like you'd be pretty cool to work with (BTW, I heard about your blog!  Don't worry, your real identity is on the DL).  I haven't seen any announcements that you have any interest in hiring postdocs, and I know your research isn't really in my area, so I figured since you're a professor and all you could probably just write a grant for me.  I can just hang out at my PhD institution leeching my advisor's funding until your grant gets accepted.  I don't really know how to write grants yet so I don't think I should help.  Plus, I know from your blog that you're a really great writer!  So I'll leave the writing to you. 

So anyway, attached are my application materials.  I'm sure you'll gather from this that I have a promising academic career ahead of me.  I have enough teaching experience that I'm sure I'll get a faculty job as soon as I apply, which I intend to start working on full time as soon as I get settled in at your university.  Also, I have a ton of publications and research skills that will also look good on those applications. I won't bore you with the details since you aren't in my subfield anyway. Be sure not to overlook the Science paper that I'm third author on.  The first author is a labmate of mine who is way more ambitious than I am.  The only thing that's really missing from my CV is a postdoc position at your university, so I can't wait for you to round that out for me.

Getting back to my work/life balance, I'd definitely take a postdoc at your university because I'm really excited about all the opportunities to get outside in your area.  I can't wait to spend all my winters skiing only a multiple hour drive away and my summers in the nice warm water that's a few hours drive in a different direction!  I should be able to stop by the university at least once a week in order to do laundry and check my mail for those faculty job offers.

XOXO and TTYS,
Millennium generation grad student

*Sent from my iPhone*

I Can Tell You About My Vision

The competition continues to be fierce for the Most Obnoxious Cover Letter possible. Here is another contender:

Dear Search Committee,

I am pleased to inform you that I am hereby applying for the Faculty Position in the Department of Chemistry which I saw listed in the latest issue of Science.  My work is centered on the role of physiogenomic and synchochrotomic control of heritable patterning.  Mostly I do computer modeling but I also know a lot of Chemistry.  I am currently a PhD candidate at ReallyFamous School, and I plan to defend this Spring (although I haven’t told my advisor and my committee yet, so I’d appreciate your discretion on this point).  Recently I read that the NIH has started a new award called the “Pathway to Independence” award where you can skip your postdoc, so I decided that I’ll do that since I’m very talented and I don’t really need to do a postdoc.   I will apply for this award next month and expect that I will receive the Notice of Award by the time I begin my new position at your University. 

Furthermore, I’m glad to tell you that I will be in YourCity on the second weekend in February for my cousin’s wedding!  Therefore, I would be glad to extend my trip and stay in the city for an extra day or two so that we can meet and I can tell you about my vision for my Research Team and we can begin to negotiate.  I have planned my schedule so that I can stay in your city on Monday and Tuesday of that week to meet with you (please find the receipt for my plane tickets attached; I’d appreciate being reimbursed at your earliest convince).

I look forward to meeting you in person in February!

Best,

PhD Candidate

I Am Exactly What You Are Looking For

How many different ways are there to write an obnoxious Cover Letter? There are an infinite variety of ways, but some themes are becoming apparent. Here is another entry in the CL letter contest.

Dear Mrs. Wrong Name:

I saw the ad for computational science postdoctoral research associate, and immediately realized that I was exactly what you are looking for: a physicist with the right mix of computing and science expertise.

I've had a lot of experience answering fundamental questions of the universe with Visual Basic and Excel.  My mom always asks me to fix her computer when something goes wrong with it.  Although I have never used a supercomputer, I've skimmed some of the slides from your supercomputing course, and it looks to be foundational.  I am sure that I will catch on quickly.

The atomic nucleus consists of protons and neutrons.  The proton has a positive charge, and the neutron has no charge.  I've solved Schrodinger's equation on nuclear configurations all the way up to Uranium, using my spreadsheet model, but I'll probably need a supercomputer to get more digits of accuracy.

I am applying for your postdoc position because I am currently unemployed and living with my sister. I did have a postdoc before, but I had to resign because the winters were too cold and I hated all the deadlines.  There's also a guy I met once, a fellow alum of my undergraduate institution (admittedly, 10 years my senior) who works at your institution in a different department and should be able to provide a good recommendation.

I've heard that you pay really well, especially compared to other institutions, but I hope you'll be able to afford to reward someone with my level of experience.  I can't wait to hear from you.

Sincerely,
E. Gomaniac

I Would Consider Being A Postdoc In Your Lab

Has anyone else gotten one like this? I have, unfortunately, although it wasn't in the cover letter, it was in follow-up correspondence. This is, of course, another entry in the Cover Letter contest.

Professor Female,

You may remember that we met at the X Conference last year when my advisor, Professor Bigname, introduced us at the Z Inc. cocktail party. At the time, I mentioned that I would be finishing my PhD in May 2012, and I am on track to do so. I am therefore in the process of looking for a tenure-track faculty position, but would also consider being a postdoc in your lab.

As you know, I have a lot of expertise in A, B, and C. I have read a few of your papers, and think that my background would be a great asset to you.

Since I am also applying for tenure-track faculty positions and other postdocs, I can’t commit to coming to work with you until I know all of my options. Ideally, I will be offered a faculty position for the coming academic year, but if that doesn’t happen this year, and particularly if no other postdoc positions are available when I finish my PhD, I would be very pleased to join your research group as early as June 2012. My wife and I are planning on starting a family as soon as possible, and I think it would work out quite well if that difficult first year, when our child is an infant, coincided with time spent working with your research group, before I move on to a more challenging and time-consuming tenure-track faculty position.

We should talk soon about my options for a postdoc with you. I will be visiting family in your area over the upcoming holidays, and I will call or e-mail to let you know when I am available to meet with you.

Cheers,

A postdoctoral applicant whose assumption that I, a female professor, would be sympathetic to his plans to start a family was incorrect, not because he planned to start a family soon (that is fine with me) but because he managed to turn it into an insult to me.

I Plan to Collaborate with You

Another entry in the Cover Letter contest; this one nicely captures the phenomenon of "I am going to collaborate with Professors X, Z, and You" in such letters, crossing the line between noting points of mutual research interests to a specific announcement of future collaboration.

Dear Search Committee:

I am writing to apply for the position of Postdoctoral Fellow/Instructor/Assistant Professor at your Liberal Arts College/Large University. I am currently a grad student of Professor X at Prestigious University, working in algebraic geometry. My adviser said that I will probably defend this spring if I get my act together.

I first learned about your Large University/Liberal Arts College when I stood in line next to Professor Big Name at Huge Conference, and she mentioned that my talk looked ``interesting'' and that she even might come to it.

I am passionate about research! Enclosed you will find my research statement. I am certain that Professor Big Name will find my work fascinating, and I have contacted her to let her know that I plan to collaborate with her when I arrive at your institution.

I am also passionate about teaching (but not too passionate if that's not your thing)! I consistently receive above average student evaluations. One student once told me that I am ``the best,'' but unfortunately did not mention this on the evaluations. Her email address is available upon request.

While I did have to check the ``Yes'' box next to your question ``Have you ever been convicted of a felony?'' I just want you to know that I have since returned all of the merchandise.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration! I will check back soon.

Warmest regards,

Alex Awesome

Clueless Cover Letter

Another Cover Letter contest entry:

Dear Miss FSP and members of the search committee;

I am writing to apply for your tenure-track, postdoctoral, or other temporary full-time or part-time position in Physics.  My advisor Professor Famous says I am finishing my Ph.D. this year since I am running out of funding.

My research is in theoretical physics.  Specifically in my dissertation I study the homotopy type of moduli of IIB plane-wave 19-dimensional hyperelliptic Clebsch-Gordon coefficients of holonomic Kontsevich correspondences on Artin stacks of strings.  I am also interested in the homotopy type of moduli of IIA plane-wave 19-dimensional hyperelliptic Gordon-Clebsch coefficients of holonomic Kontsevich correspondences on Artin stacks of strings.  My research statement is enclosed.

I am wildly excited by the possibility of indoctrinating young undergraduate minds on the absolutely marvelous wonders of the fascinating subject of Physics and in particular about my research.  I believe in student-centered learning, continuous assessment, and the integration of research and education.  My teaching statement is enclosed.

I am particularly interested in working at your college or university because my girlfriend's cousin's former roommate says the skiing is great.

I plan to attend the March meeting of the American Physical Society and would like a chance to chat with you then.  You can get in touch by drawing on my Facebook wall.

Sincerely yours,

Clueless once-promising slacker physics grad student

Herewith a Kool Kover Letter

Another entry in The Cover Letter contest:

Dear Search Committee:

My name is Dr. Joseph von Kool and I am applying for the open position in your Department.

Herewith I submit to you my application materials thereof for the aforementioned tenure-track position. Whereas my address is listed as Prestige University, henceforth I will be located at the Uber-Institute until such time as a tenure-track position is proffered and forthcoming.

Most sincerely yours,

J. von Kool, Ph.D.

Dear Search Committee Chair

Another entry in The Cover Letter contest. 

Dear Search Committee Chair,

I know these letters are usually addressed to a person, but the job market is so terrible these days that I hope you’ll excuse me for using your title instead, since I have to write 93 letters this week. 

As you no doubt have figured out already, I am an applicant for your position in Molecular Biology.  I am well trained in (Biology  Chemistry) because of both my undergraduate and graduate training at MIT, and I’ve had experience as a teaching assistant in (organic introductory biology) as noted in my teaching statement, so I am completely prepared to teach the course you mentioned in the position advertisement. 

My research is on the reversal of aging in female fruit flies by the polyphenolic compound, resveratrol, a component of red wine, and I anticipate considerable student interest in working with me in this area.  My PhD was with Famous Scientist, a foremost researcher on molecular gerontology, and we have three papers published and four in press resulting from my graduate work and two years of postdoctoral fellowship.  I have been funded by Major Private Foundation, the US Wine Institute, and the National Institutes of Health during my postdoctoral research period and I anticipate future funding from all three agencies to support my research at   ____  university.

In order to set up my laboratory properly, I will require a startup fund of $600,000 for equipment, supplies, personnel, and travel, to be spent over a four-year period, after which I expect my laboratory to be self-sufficient.  I need to have a release from all teaching and committee work for the first year and a light load of teaching and committee work for the entire pre-tenure period if I come to your school.  It is essential for the development of my research in a highly competitive area that I not be distracted by these other elements while I am setting up my research endeavor.  I am sure you understand this situation well, since there is lots of research in your department of (chemistry biology).

Please examine my CV, research plans, teaching statement, and letters of recommendation carefully.  I look forward to visiting your department, in fact I may be in the area and if so, will call to arrange a visit soon.

Sincerely,

An Outstanding Candidate