The competition continues to be fierce for the Most Obnoxious Cover Letter possible. Here is another contender:
Dear Search Committee,
I am pleased to inform you that I am hereby applying for the Faculty Position in the Department of Chemistry which I saw listed in the latest issue of Science. My work is centered on the role of physiogenomic and synchochrotomic control of heritable patterning. Mostly I do computer modeling but I also know a lot of Chemistry. I am currently a PhD candidate at ReallyFamous School, and I plan to defend this Spring (although I haven’t told my advisor and my committee yet, so I’d appreciate your discretion on this point). Recently I read that the NIH has started a new award called the “Pathway to Independence” award where you can skip your postdoc, so I decided that I’ll do that since I’m very talented and I don’t really need to do a postdoc. I will apply for this award next month and expect that I will receive the Notice of Award by the time I begin my new position at your University.
Furthermore, I’m glad to tell you that I will be in YourCity on the second weekend in February for my cousin’s wedding! Therefore, I would be glad to extend my trip and stay in the city for an extra day or two so that we can meet and I can tell you about my vision for my Research Team and we can begin to negotiate. I have planned my schedule so that I can stay in your city on Monday and Tuesday of that week to meet with you (please find the receipt for my plane tickets attached; I’d appreciate being reimbursed at your earliest convince).
I look forward to meeting you in person in February!