Friday, January 04, 2013

Fake CV#3

This one is from EuropeanFemaleScienceProfessor. Apparently most of it is based on a real CV, with the exception of the duck thing.

Note that it is not too late to send your own submission, especially if you have been inspired by the ones posted already.



Dr. Buster Bristhlewaite                                                    (Picture of Dr. Bristhlewaite
Merrygo Lane 13                                                                   in a swimsuit holding his son
Podunk, New York, 12345                                                   and a plastic beach ball)
Fon: (202) 123-4567
Fax: (202) 123-4578
Fan: DrBuster@anythinggoes.com

I am 6^2 years old, happily married and have a wonderful 4-year-old son. I am very good at teaching people how to pass standardized tests.

Current positions:
  • ·      Adjunct professor, Mathematics, Programming, and Duck Husbandry at Massive Online University, since 2008
  • ·      Tutor, Mathematics, PassThatSAT, since 2007
  • ·      Tutor, Mathematics, MyMathBuddy, since 2007
  • ·      Duck farmer, since my Daddy died in 1998. I was born and raised on the farm.
  •  
Previous positions:
  • ·      Feed salesman, 1996-1997
  • ·      Insurance salesman, 1998
  • ·      Taxi Driver, 1998-2008
  • ·      Substitute Math Teacher, Trumansburg Elementary School,1992-1994
  •  
Education:
  • ·      Trumansburg Elementary School  1980-1986
  • ·      Charles O. Dickerson High School, Class of ‘92
  • ·      Ithaca Community College 1992-1994
  • ·      Cornell 1994-1996, Bachelor’s Degree in Mathematics
  • ·      Columbus University, 1996-1997, Master’s Degree in Information Systems
  • ·      Tri-Valley University, 2002, Doctorate in Applied Mathematics
  •  
Hobbies:

I enjoy swimming, watching football on TV, and spending time with my family and my ducks.

Enclosures:
  • ·      High school diploma
  • ·      Bachelor’s and Master’s degree certificate
  • ·      Copies of the business cards I printed up after I obtained my doctorate
  • ·      Examples of the SAT training materials that I developed
  • ·      Taxi Driver’s license
  • ·      Evaluations from Massive Online University
  • ·      Testimonials from students who passed the SAT with flying colors

13 comments:

Old MD Girl said...

Ok, I know this is supposed to be a "bad" CV, but this guy sounds AWESOME. Like he actually has a personality or something.

studyzone said...

Love the redundant/extra bullet points - nice, authentic touch!

Anonymous said...

This one makes me sad. Is the author making fun of a woman who got a PhD but sort of "wasted" it by focusing on her family and her duck farming. Actually, now that I wrote that, maybe I'm feeling that -- but that reflects my feelings on duck farming, and not any sexism, really.

It is just kind of sad.

Anonymous said...

I'm the anonymous who found it sad...I just realized it is a guy's CV! I read that wrong. Interesting I read it as a woman holding her son on the beach in the photo description. Well, I still find it sad.

Anonymous said...

@ Anon 10:39:00 AM

the description of the photo refers to the candidate holding "his son", so I don't think the author is making fun of a woman.

Anonymous said...

The C.V. makes fun of people who leave academia and try to come back much later. This group is predominantly composed of women, but I've run into some males as well.

And yes, it is very difficult to come back and people lose a feeling to what types of accomplishments should and should not be listed. I've seen research statements that mention marital or health problems as valid reasons why we should hire someone (as opposed to simply explaining a gap in employment/output, which is A-Ok).

Anonymous said...

To follow up on the above, I work on a field in which there are some rather interesting, well compensated industry jobs that have no research component.

We routinely warn our graduates that coming back to industry after more than two years in such jobs is extremely difficult. We tell them "you have two years to decide if you like working in industry. Be conscious of this deadline and do not let it go by unnoticed".

In fact I know of no one who has made a full come back after an industry career, though several cases can be considered partial successes.

Davie Yoon said...

Possible titles:
Dr. Mismatch
Mr. Personality
MS Word Fail

Davie Yoon said...

Yet as Old MD Girl sez -- a guy who would be fun to meet. Who doesn't want to learn more about duck farming???

Alex said...

Does this duck farmer also grow rosemary? Oranges? Plums? Wild rice? These are important questions! How else can we assess if this duck farm has a properly comprehensive range of offerings?

Anonymous said...

I agree that indeed it is very sad that this "C.V. makes fun of people who leave academia and try to come back much later." Shame...

agradstudent said...

I think this cv belies a lack of discretion, which is why it's funny. You can have a non traditional career trajectory some uncommon interests and put that on your cv, and try to do it tactfully (not that this is tactful). But that wouldn't explain including your elementary and high school education on your cv. We usually don't do that.

Call it Quack!

Anonymous said...

I didn't read this as making fun of someone trying to come back to academia. It's making fun of someone who has no idea what academia entails but wants a job in it nonetheless. Someone who thinks it's all fun times teaching undergrads about fun math tricks (q.v. "6^2 years old"). Someone like the author of that Forbes article that was the talk of the internet yesterday, only even more oblivious to what academia is like. And pretty much right on target, if you ask me.