Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Clueless Cover Letter

Another Cover Letter contest entry:


Dear Miss FSP and members of the search committee;

I am writing to apply for your tenure-track, postdoctoral, or other temporary full-time or part-time position in Physics.  My advisor Professor Famous says I am finishing my Ph.D. this year since I am running out of funding.

My research is in theoretical physics.  Specifically in my dissertation I study the homotopy type of moduli of IIB plane-wave 19-dimensional hyperelliptic Clebsch-Gordon coefficients of holonomic Kontsevich correspondences on Artin stacks of strings.  I am also interested in the homotopy type of moduli of IIA plane-wave 19-dimensional hyperelliptic Gordon-Clebsch coefficients of holonomic Kontsevich correspondences on Artin stacks of strings.  My research statement is enclosed.

I am wildly excited by the possibility of indoctrinating young undergraduate minds on the absolutely marvelous wonders of the fascinating subject of Physics and in particular about my research.  I believe in student-centered learning, continuous assessment, and the integration of research and education.  My teaching statement is enclosed.

I am particularly interested in working at your college or university because my girlfriend's cousin's former roommate says the skiing is great.

I plan to attend the March meeting of the American Physical Society and would like a chance to chat with you then.  You can get in touch by drawing on my Facebook wall.

Sincerely yours,

Clueless once-promising slacker physics grad student

14 comments:

jenny said...

"I am writing to apply for your tenure-track, postdoctoral, or other temporary full-time or part-time position in Physics."

Sadly, I have seen just such an introduction (well, not literally but quite similar) in an application in response to an ad for a Department Chair position. The ad specifically required someone with an established research career. I quite like such letters though, they make my work on those particular application packages VERY easy.

Anonymous said...

Now this one IS funny

Mark P

Anonymous said...

ROFL IMHO this is the best one so far! (I might be biased by this applicant's research area, since I'm a physicist!)

Anonymous said...

Oh the "Miss FSP" burns! I'm still surprised at how often it's assumed I don't have a PhD - there are several members of my family with them and people seem to accept all the men as Dr. Whosit but then if it's noted I too am Dr. Whosit complete surprise! Miss FSP indeed!

Kea said...

I am also interested in the homotopy type of moduli of IIA plane-wave 19-dimensional ...

LOL, hilarious! Not one word of actual physics, unless one counts the word 'plane wave'. I bet many stringer letters are like this. Their whole short lives they have been told they are little Einstein's, and they can't imagine why people wouldn't want to give them a job. Sadly, people do give them jobs, because they are the kind of people who are easily exploited.

Anonymous said...

Utterly clueless, but the giveaway is subtle: theoretical high-energy physicists don't go to the March meeting.

Notorious Ph.D. said...

If only this weren't science-focused, I think I could write a credible entry, because Humanities searches regularly include a small handful of applications from people with no higher ed background who have:

1. an undergraduate degree in our discipline from 15-25 years ago;

2. a "real passion" for the subject that they have never let go of, even while spending the last 15-25 years in business/industry/whatever; and

3. a "strong belief in the importance of public education" and a "desire to give back to the community" now that they are retired. (though the more cynical among us would see this as a desire to get into the state's pension system).

I never quite know how to feel about these letters, which are simultaneously endearing and insulting.

Anonymous said...

There are plenty of string theorists who have a clue, are mature, creative and productive. Please Kea, save your bitterness for someone else!

Anonymous said...

Sad but true. I am currently applying, and I have seen the same department searching for an assistant professor and a lecturer, and a prof. from the dept. looking for a postdoc. Now if you choose one, should you ignore the other two? And if the assistant prof. job does not fall through, then what?

Kea said...

Anonymous, when anonymous cowards are taken seriously by bloggers when they complain about a blogger's point of view in an insulting manner, let me know. Until then, grow a brain, fuckwit. Obviously I know there exist smart string theorists. I speak to a few of them regularly on my blog.

Anonymous said...

To Anon @11:04am, I applied to the same department for a research scientist (soft money) and a tt position. As soon as they saw that I also applied for a research scientist position, they stopped considering me for the tt position altogether.

Sorry, but unfortunately that's how academic hiring works....

Doctor Pion said...

"integration of research and education" Hysterical!

This was brilliantly written, but might not be appreciated by non-physicists. Suffice it to say that even theoretical (not hep) physicists at the March meeting wonder if pseudo-mathematicians should be told to worry about integrating theory and experiment, or told what fraction of particle theory students get tt faculty jobs.

PS - I've seen letters like that applying for a teaching job at a Community College.

Anonymous said...

Kea: not only bitter, but also vulgar.

mOOm said...

I would recommend applying for the most senior position in the department for which you might be qualified. Most places I've seen good candidates may be considered for other open positions if there is a better candidate for the top one.