Have I really never asked this question of readers before? It seems not, and yet, I find myself really wanting to know the answer. The question applies to anyone who works with students and who has visits from those students (in person) in their office.
In the comments, those answering Yes could leave interesting details, such as how often you need to resort to the tissue box and whether you buy top-quality ultrasoft tissue or the cheapest kind you can find (or does your department supply these for you? or perhaps you don't supply tissues to students but offer them industrial-strength paper towels?).
For those answering No, is this because you don't need them or because you have made the deliberate decision not to provide tissues to weeping students?
In the comments, those answering Yes could leave interesting details, such as how often you need to resort to the tissue box and whether you buy top-quality ultrasoft tissue or the cheapest kind you can find (or does your department supply these for you? or perhaps you don't supply tissues to students but offer them industrial-strength paper towels?).
For those answering No, is this because you don't need them or because you have made the deliberate decision not to provide tissues to weeping students?
60 comments:
I've never had a crying student in my office. I obviously am not grading hard enough. Then I can start stocking the industrial-strength paper towels!
I'm told that a certain student was crying in a colleague's office a few years ago, and that this student was seriously considering changing majors. Given how mediocre this student's subsequent performance has been, I wish that my colleague had been less reassuring.
I have a tissue box on my desk, that I could use in the serious case of a crying student, but its mainly for me (not for me crying in the office, but for general tissue-needs). So I in principle I do provide the same quality of tissue paper to students and to myself.
So far, I only had one crying student sobbing in my office. But she was more overwhelmed by the difficulties she was enduring outside university. The crying was then just triggered by a lab report deadline she could not match.
But it would be interesting to ask, if the department would pay for my tissue supplies, because they could be used for "work"....
Like the 12:25:00 commenter, I keep a box in my office for me, but have had to make it available to students before. Never because of my grading or my courses, but always because of departmental politics actually. I wish out students were better insulated from department politics in my department. Fortunately, the tissue needs have gone down in the past 5 years.
I am prone to allergies, so I keep tissues on my desk for myself. They have, however, frequently been used for crying students. I haven't been around as a prof all that long, and I'm not on the whole a terribly tough grader or anything. So I wonder why I've had so many crying students, and others have had none.
Might I suggest a follow-up poll about who cries in whose offices? I'm a young-ish female prof in a male-dominated field. I'm one of only two females in my department. In just 3+ years of being here, I have had two grad students and three undergrad criers in my office. All female.
I do keep tissue in my office, but like many other Profs who do,it is primarily for myself. The department won't fund it, so I get the kind I like: high-quality super-soft tissue with Aloe.
Unfortunately, I do have sobbing students (mostly grad students). To answer Math TT, both genders have cried in my office...the very first one was a male graduate student, but, overall, probably more females than males.
I keep tissues in my office to use as napkins and to blow my nose.
I keep chocolate in my office to give me boosts of energy, and you know, chocolate. BUT, I've also gotten really good at telling when a kid is about to break down because math is too hard and give them a square. So far it's headed off many tears. I swear a lot of emotions out there are really caused in part by low blood sugar.
I suggest voting Yes if you also make use of the tissues and they are not for the exclusive use of weeping students; as long as this is a use (or a planned use), then it's more of a Yes than a No.
I bought them for potential crying students not long after I ended up in a dean's office crying myself!
My tissues are for my snotty nose and my snotty nose only. I have never had a student cry in my office, but I work in theoretical physics and we are a tough lot. My husband, who works in the soft sciences, has offices continuously full of wailing students of both genders. I have no idea how he puts up with it. But I doubt he has tissues....
My first day of teaching my own course as a grad student (I'm female), an undergrad who couldn't register for an associated lab section cried in my office (also female). I like to brag (jokingly) to my advisor that I set the record for earliest crier. ;-)
So yes, I see the tissues I use myself as helpful for when a student cries.
As I side note, I cried in front of my advisor (a male) once, and the meeting was held in my office, so he didn't need his own tissues. Strategic move on his part?
@MathTT
What color hair did the crying students have? What about their eye color? Did they have freckles?
I ask because these questions are just as relevant as their gender
I teach organic chemistry. 'nuff said ;-)
and I buy the same kind I buy for my family, I'm not organized enough to differentiate by user! Plus they are for me as well
I have a pack of tissues in my purse that I share with crying students. I teach one particularly tough course that is taken by pre-nursing students, who need a certain GPA to get into the nursing program and are also competing with one another for when they can start the nursing program, so it becomes a pressure cooker.
Yes, I do have a box of tissues in my office and it's mainly for students. It is generally somewhere on the shelves, but makes it to my desk at some specific times in the academic year (mostly before exams, not after!).
As a student who has cried in more than one professor's office, I greatly appreciate the offer of a tissue or two. Each time this has happened, I've been very embarassed and frustrated. I feel it's quite impossible to regain my composure while my face is still wet. I don't think using my sleeve will help the situation.
Yes, given the rules as to how to vote (mine are primarily for me, but they have been used by crying students on more than a few occasions). The question raised by MathTT is interesting, as I'm also a youngish female and seem to have had more than my share of criers.
Whoa--never had a crying student in your office!! I wish that were true. While I still hate it when they cry, I have become more accepting/hardened to the process, telling them I understand how they feel, but, after a decent interval, trying to get them back to the task at hand: how to avoid making the same mistakes and use the available resources to actually do better. Some of them actually listen--one such student is now taking a second class from me, and is doing significantly better by coming for help early rather than waiting till its too late.
Mark P
I keep a box in my office so I have some to give to upset students. The department doesn't fund them, so I bring a box from the mega-supply at home (boring old two-ply Kleenax).
To answer MathTT's interesting question, I am 30 years old, male, and have had 2(ish) students crying in my office in each of 3 semesters at my current institution. All of those students were female.
With one exception, the students have been upset about their performance in one of my classes. Typically they're students who are used to performing well in other classes but have a hard time in mine. They get tissues, (sometimes) a story about my first very difficult class, and some strategies they can use to succeed in my course. (The exception was a student telling me her grandparent had passed away.)
I'm the director of clinical training in a clinical psych program, responsible for the running of our practicum clinic among other responsibilities. With ~40 students and ~300+ clients per semester, we order tissue by the pallet. There's usually dozens of boxes in my office at any given moment, and at least two of them are open: one next to my computer, and one next to where students usually sit. It's pretty low quality tissue!
In a way, it's nice to know how common it is to have a crying student in your office. I have not had that many students - one male student came close to tears when I told him he was in danger of failing his oral exam (for lack of preparation). Another was a female student who was rightfully upset about being dicked around by departmental politics. Through no fault of her own, she was in a terrible situation. Luckily, she was prepared with her own tissues, because I didn't have any.
I have them for my allergies but also for the students. They do get used (just last week in fact!)
I have tissues in my office, but usually I am meeting with students elsewhere, so they are pretty ineffective.
The vast majority of my crying students have been males (in fact, I can only recall one female versus at least a half dozen males). Of course, given most of my teaching has been in physics and engineering, this is no surprise.
I always have them for students. Toward the end of the semester, they move more prominently on my desk. And when the student apologies for crying, the tissues are usually offered with the line, "you are not the first student to need a tissue in my office."
We keep tissues in the library for allergies, colds, flu and sinus issues. There's no crying at community colleges.
I have bad allergies, so the kleenex are primarily there for my benefit (they sit on my desk, in easy reach). However, I have offered them to the crying students (both at the high school and college level). Only one college student has cried in my office, and it was for personal issues (non-academic, but could have potentially affect her performance in class). I have a reputation for having a sympathetic ear, but that blows up in my face sometimes when I end up spending more time than I can afford listening to students. In the meantime, until I learn to set boundaries for myself (grow a spine, as they say), I will continue to offer kleenex to students.
I put yes; my department supplies them (though i think for the purpose of faculty virus/bacteria/allergy needs). I have had both genders cry in various contexts. I'm a youngish female prof. My husband is a youngish male prof. No crying from anyone in front of him. (though he and i are sure that he has made people cry elsewhere, once they left his office).
Uh... neither yes nor no is really a good answer for me. I keep tissues on my desk for my own use (mostly allergies). I've never had a student cry in my office but obviously they would be welcome to use one if they needed it for any reason.
I am also a cryer (my purely physiological reaction to extreme emotion is always to cry - it's not a choice), so I sympathize with students who would need to cry.
I voted no, but I probably should. I always grab extra napkins from the cafeteria when I buy lunch. I keep them in a drawer for use when I bring lunch. There have been several times that I've had to reach into my napkin drawer for a crying student, and then feel bad for not having something more comforting. I think my most extreme story is when a current student knocked on my door because her friend, an ex student of mine, was crying in the stairwell, and she didn't know how to comfort her.
It's primarily for student use. And the vast majority of the time it's needed for a personal life crisis and not grades. Somehow I wind up with the students whose parents/grandparents have cancer, died, etc. And no dead grandmother syndrome here, they bring me obituaries without my asking for an excuse. Occasional co-worker use too.
On the same subject, I am a female tt professor, and I've heard another female tt professor working at a different university who is extremely emotional. She often cries in front of her colleagues (most of males) during meetings. Sometimes, committee decisions were altered after the said professor bursted into tears for various reasons. I'd like to know if you have encountered similar situations like the one I mentioned? If you did, how did you resolve this problem (committee decisions were changed after a person starts crying)?
It is very sad when I run out of tissues, and have to give Kimwipes or paper towels to a crying student.
It is typically not my-lab related. I get some students who are not passing courses I am teaching, some who are not on track to graduate as part of my duties as an advisor, and some with outside personal issues.
MathTT: I am also a young-ish female prof in a male dominated field. I have also wondered if this is somehow related to the crying, since male colleagues have not reported the same. I suppose I could just be hard-core, but I'm not trying to be.
I bought tissues because I felt like a jerk handing over industrial strength department-supplied paper towels to crying students.
Who cries? Girls.
Why do they cry? Whelmption.
Why do they cry to me? I think it's because I'm young and a girl as well. I also challenge them to use their brains, which is sometimes (...usually) tough for them.
I'd just like to say as a lifelong easy crier - and there are few things more professionally embarrassing - tissues are critical, and you'd think I'd just carry my own around. I keep a box around for allergy season, though, and as emergency napkins. I'd rather cry/have someone cry on me than punch someone/be punched in the face.
I'm very intrigued by the low blood sugar comment. Maybe I'll put out a candy dish (and use it myself too) and track improvement....
I have tissues in my office but they are for me (damn allergies) and I have not yet had to offer them to students. I came close once, but (a) it was pretty understandable (student came in the office to tell me they'd have to leave early unexpectedly as they'd just learned that their aunt had died) and (b) they were clearly teary-eyed but managed to get in and out of the office without actually needing to make use of the tissue. (If it matters, I am female and the student was male.)
My single crying-student experience was very traumatic because she was a very bright kid who tried to take physics 101 and organic chemistry (both with labs) during a 5 week summer session. That's 32 hours of class-n-lab time a week plus homework. She held it together through the second midterm but I could see it wearing here down.
I had soft kleenex on account of my intermittent but severe allergies.
She got out with a B-, but that clearly wasn't up to her expectations.
my dept provides them- nice soft ones, too! but as I am both an advisor for our major & a prof, I get more students through my office than the average prof so I do get my fair share of crying students- usually they are overwhelmed by life & school deadlines.
mostly they are used for me as napkins & for allergies.
I started keeping tissues at my desk as a grad student after breaking down in my advisor's office. he handed me kimwipes...
I would also be interested in a poll about WHO cries in your office. Grad students or Undergrads? Colleagues? Men or women?
I have about a 50-50 split of men and women crying in my office, but many more men cry during lectures and exams in my classes. I'm not known for being particularly tough.
I have no tissues in my office unless it's allergy season!
LOL!! Takes me back to my PhD days. I have a pressure release valve in my brain that blows off every time I am really angry. It is activates my lacrimal gland. :)
I did my PhD in Australia and my supervisor was one of a kind. He used to refer to all my first drafts as "crap". When I got angry, I used to start weeping. But his solution to this problem was not a tissue. We used to have a philosophical beer every time I wept. :)
I don't have a lot of crying students in my office, but every year there are some, both male and female undergrads and, more rare, male and female grad students. The male students don't typically get to full tears; they get a bit wobbly and they have trouble speaking and they look away or cover their eyes or leave. I think there has been an increase in crying male students with time. Have any other 'older' female professors experienced more crying male students with time? Maybe they are more comfortable crying in front of someone who could be their mother? Or maybe male students cry more easily these days? Or maybe it doesn't mean anything because it is just a few students/year?
I have tissues, both for my use and for my students' (sometimes one box for each). I am young and female, and I get lots of criers of both genders. Usually it's because of personal problems (relationship issues, deaths) or extreme stress; often the student's story makes me tear up as well.
I'm also glad to hear that other people than me respond to extreme emotions of all types by crying. Allergies exacerbate this for me by lowering the tear-producing threshold. It's sort of annoying that my crying is usually interpreted by others as a sign of sadness or insecurity, when most of the time it's neither. I cried out of anger in my chair's office once and he was very confused. So I definitely sympathize with the crying students, even though they are usually embarrassed by crying in front of me. I like the idea of telling them they're not the first.
I am sort of glad to learn that I am not the only one that cries due to a valve that opens up unintentionally and sometimes out of proportion. Even when I do not want to cry, a burst of emotions just come and fill my eyes with tears. Have any of you find a way to cope with this? What do you do to not cry in front of someone?
I have also used chocolate to calm upset students, and while low blood sugar is a plausible partial explanation, I think there's more to it than that:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17597253
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16546294
My department supplies tissues like any other office supply. I always have a box on my desk for my own use but will nonchalantly move the box closer to a student who seems to be on the verge. It's a move I picked up when I worked at a florist (with people buying funeral flowers). It allows the potential cryer to stop and collect themselves without being embarrassed. In contrast, "oh! let me get you a tissue!" can accelerate the emotion of the situation instead of defusing it a bit.
I'm math tenure track, female. During a teaching training session in grad school it came out that all of the female grad students had had undergrads of both genders crying on them, and none of the males had experienced any students crying. The only time I haven't listened sympathetically is when I had two students in a row crying, the first because she had a mass in her abdomen, the second because he was only getting a B.
I have tissues for my own use but also occasionally offer them to undergrads. I cried several times as an undergrad myself, but because the professors I was seeing were assholes and I didn't want to cry in front of them, I left first. I would like to think that I am not an asshole and interpret crying in my office to indicate a flattering willingness to be vulnerable in front of me.
I actually leave the tissues in my office for myself!
I've had a handful of crying students in my office - most of them crying due to life circumstances as opposed to my evil ways...
Anyway, I have a tissue box for all tissue related needs, and our department provides them. They are most rarely used for crying fluids and most commonly used for coming in from the cold runny noses.
In terms of upset students, having toys for them to fiddle with is a good idea. I find that my little crystal structures and DNA model are good for keeping hands busy and can help calm a distressed student.
So glad to know that I'm not the only easy crier! I really hate it, it's embarrassing.
I think I've cried in front of two professors, both of them male and middle-aged.
@Snotty Anonymous
If most (i.e. well over 70%) of the students in my office are male, but all the criers are female, I don't think gender is completely irrelevant. But I strongly suspect that *my* gender is a more important factor than the students'.
While in grad school, I came very close to tears in profs offices on at least a couple occasions, but I fought the tears back very deliberately because I was worried about how they would see me. (I am an "angry crier" ... I cry when I get really pissed off. Which is *totally* counterproductive. But that's beside the point.)
I wonder if the fact that I'm a youngish female means that these students don't feel the need to fight off the tears (as much) in front of me. I don't know how I would have reacted, since I never had a single female math prof all through undergrad or grad school.
But, yeah. That gender thing is totally irrelevant.
I teach at a mostly female undergraduate college and both male and female profs have an abundance of criers in their offices for many reasons- but usually academic. I've seen the male students get shaky hands and voices, but never cry.
I personally cry/ am on the verge ALL the time- I have tears in my eyes just thinking about crying- and have learned to pretend it's not happening or mumble, "Darn allergies."
Hm. If one has students weeping in the office, maybe one should re-evaluate one's teaching strategies and fitness for the job. ;-)
In an altogether-too-long career, I've had two students break down:
* a woman who had recently come through surgery for stage 3 breast cancer; and
* a woman whose 20-something son was permanently disabled with schizophrenia and whose 16-year-old daughter was beginning to show signs of the disease.
Good reasons for tears, both.
I have tissues for myself and for the criers, and I have had plenty of both sexes. For the men it's worse, because they are crying in front of a woman, I suppose. Some are crying for manipulative purposes, and others for entirely real reasons, often for reasons that have nothing to do with their performance as students. I seem to be sort of a mommy that some students come to when they need to be heard out.
Industrial strength - the thin stuff doesn't work.
I sometimes wish I've had tissues available. I'm just an undergraduate TA, in a lab for non-majors. I've had a couple people almost cry and another just start sobbing in the middle of lab. All of them were just easily overwhelmed around midterms.
As an undergraduate, I spend a lot of time sitting across from profs who may or may not have tissues and sympathy tucked away somewhere in their desk. I try very hard to hold back the waterworks, mostly because I think that they have no place in anyone's office. I've never cried at a meeting, but I definitely have broken down after leaving a few times. Perhaps there should be more tissues in hallways and stairwells? :P
tell you what, i had 3 crying professors in my department...i used to laugh in their back :)coz they all had research problems & family matter..i enjoyed a lot..
LOL, literally I amazed about crying grad students ..I can remember that blog of yours UNDER MY KNEES...folks check that out!
In 30 years of being a professor, I've only had students in tears a few times in my office. A couple of times it was health related (grad students telling me why they were requesting medical leave). A couple of times it was academics (students who had failed required courses three times).
You folks have some pretty stoic students. Either that, or I'm a perpetual mommy who attracts more than my fair share of criers. Every semester there's at least one, sometimes more. Usually it's related to life issues rather than academic ones.
Many of them seem to be frequent fliers -- I'll see the same student in tears several times over the course of a single semester.
Gender doesn't seem to be a factor. I had two manipulative criers last semester -- one male, one female -- who turned on the waterworks every time I turned around. Self-pity was clearly the driving force, and about the only effect it had on me was to make me plenty irritated with them. I concealed my annoyance, but just barely.
I can always tell when the tears are genuine, and I'm always happy to provide Kleenex and reassurance in those instances. I've got one like that this semester. He's already cried in front of me twice within the past four weeks, and given his difficult circumstances, I expect there may be more where that came from. I'm fine with that. He's sweet and he works hard in my class. I think I can pony up a little compassion.
I started keeping tissue in my office after the first time a student got teary eyed and I had nothing to offer her. As a young female prof. I do seem to get more than others' share of criers, mostly female students. I keep a box of large Kleenex (the kind we get here in the UK) on the coffee table where the students sit. That way they can help themselves without the embarassment of being offered or having to ask. I use one myself most mornings when I come in from cycling in the cold, and actually in the winter months more students have needed one for their noses than for tears (though that does happen too).
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